Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
