hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
