Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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