I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
