i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
