How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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