i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
