i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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