just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
