If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
