Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
