i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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