Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
