youre lurking in front of me
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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