No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
