I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
