You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
