I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
