True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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