Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
