Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Houston, we have a squirter
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
