I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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