How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
