Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
