She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
