is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
