I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
