I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
