i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
