he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
