I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
