why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
