Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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