do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
