She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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