hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
