An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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