I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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