someone owes me an orgasm
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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