Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
