I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
