Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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