i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
