I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
