Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
