Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
