May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
i need some magic done to my vagina
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
