i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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