What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
