i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Randomize
