I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
