She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
